Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
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I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
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Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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