"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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