I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
