Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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