Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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