I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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