My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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