Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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