I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
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Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
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People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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