Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
