He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
time to smoke my breakfast
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
