my room smells like sperm. sweet.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
nutella sex= disaster
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
