everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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