Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
