Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
