Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
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