Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
