It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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