seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
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So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
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What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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