Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
