I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
