Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
