At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
