Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Randomize
