You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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