That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
