I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
