I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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