Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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