so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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