two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
