Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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