can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
