he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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