i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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