If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
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I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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