If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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