My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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