Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
