Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
