We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
