I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
