I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
