Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
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Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
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When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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