i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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