I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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