Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
