You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
His hands were made for my vagina.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
