Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
