I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I smell like Dick and happiness
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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