How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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