I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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