Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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