just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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