Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
True college students do jello shots in the library
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
