I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just cropdusted the office
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
