I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
