at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
